Unsurrendered Territory

In May of this year I decided that I needed to have time away from work and the responsibilities of family life, and instead have a date with God. My sister-in-law, in the past, has raved about how wonderful "Women of Faith" conferences are. So, I decided to take a look at their website and see when a conference might be coming up that I could attend. I was in a dry spell and I felt quite desperate for a fresh wave of life. So, I was disappointed to see that a conference would be in my area, but exactly during the dates that we had a cruise to Alaska planned for the family.

Contrary to my normal comfort zone of staying close to home, if I were going to go to this conference within a decent period of time, I was going to have to pack it up and head north to Spokane. My husband, sweetheart that he is, was willing to go to Spokane with me while the kids stayed at their mom's house (I am their blessed step-mom) and Bob, the dog, went to "Club Fed" at my parent's house.

While my husband was happily frolicking through the aisles of Cabella's, like a euphoric, unbridled kid in a candy store, I was busily preparing my heart to receive from God. Actually, it turned out well, as I didn't know a soul there. In my line of work it is not uncommon for me to see people I know just about anywhere and at any time. So, this was the perfect opportunity to not care what anyone else thought about me, what I was doing, or wonder why I was barreling my way though a huge box of Kleenex at the first note of worship.

It has been a "challenging"...there's that word again...year for this old girl. My husband has had three major surgeries after a heart attack, followed my his medical retirement and my entire world being rearranged. I say that to lead up to this... At this conference I opened my heart up to hear from God, unworried about smeared mascara, my vulnerable, fragile pride or frankly making a fool of myself. I was desperate for an encounter with my creator, my often quiet friend and the lover of my soul. I needed a touch and renewed inspiration...literally the breath of God...from HIM. Only HE would do.

I had no idea what form this breath would come in, but I knew I needed it and I hoped this would be a changing point of my life. Each message of the weekend built upon the previous message, gently leading me down a path of healing and hope. During the course of the weekend they showed a video about a ministry call "New Life" and it looked like something that would help me. The gentleman who started "Women of Faith" and "New Life Ministries"is actually a radio talk show host, minister and christian counselor by the name of Steven Arterburn. During the breaks at the conference we were afforded the opportunity to check out books, music and ministries represented during the weekend's messages. I went to the New Life booth and signed up for a conference coming up this October in Southern Cal. They gave me a book to read in preparation for the conference.

I received the book in May, but have made excuses to wait on starting the book. I know that reading the book "Healing Is A Choice" will require me to take a long, hard look at myself and admit my failings, grieve and then finally be able to release them and move on. Unfortunately, I need all of those steps in order to be able to successfully release myself from the painful events and choices of my life that hold me in these painful shackles. It will be more pain for a season as I debride the infected wounds of my soul. But once the wounds have been cleaned out and healing salve applied, I will be on my way to healing and freedom.

Finally cracked the book open a few days ago and within about a half of an hour had a revelation as to one of the shackles that is holding me back from the freedom and releasing me from bondage. I am not yet free, but at least I am beginning to recognize one of the things that has a hold on me.

Finally, the thing which brings me to this blog this evening. As stupid as it sounds to say by someone of my weight, I finally realize that food and exercise are two areas of my life that to this date remain unsurrendered to God. Good grief! It is such an elementary thought. I have asked God countless times to help me relative to my choices in food and to have the wherewithall to exercise, but I continually fall short....again and again and again. It seems, sometimes, that I will never have victory in this area.

Well, today...at 7:39 pm, west coast time, I am surrendering my weight, food and exercise to God. There is a feeling of dread inside of me as I type this, as I suspect He might give me a few assignments on this topic now that HE is in charge. But I am just a tiny bit hopeful that for once it might work now that I am no longer in the driver's seat and perhaps He won't be quite the severe task master I fear that He might be.

I don't know that He will ask me to give up the things I love to eat. Perhaps He will work in me moderation. It would certainly be easier for Him to deliver me from an addiction to food, but then what would I actually learn from that? Probably not as much as if I have to walk down this path and experience this road for myself...pain, vulnerability and all.

As I consider the possibility of the joy and freedom of being released from this prison of addiction, it seems almost too good to be true. This is a truly disgusting analogy, but it would be as freeing as having a 100 pound mass of parasitic, rotting tissue removed. That tumor offers me no benefit in exchange for my carting it around. It merely serves as a drain on my energy, my joy, my peace and my hope. It makes me feel tired, overwhelmed and less than attractive. It is like when my patients ask me if they should have knee replacement surgery. I always tell them that when it is time that they will know. Well, it's time for surgery!

Well, there you have it. I am a newly surrendered to God food addict and maniacal exercise avoider...is that even an word? Well, if it isn't, it should be. I am on this adventure. I think I am heading up the first little bump on this roller coaster and hoping that I don't lose the contents of my stomach along the way. But, dear reader, I am on my way. My accountability to you and to God, I trust, will get me through this. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" (Phil 4:13).